 |
|
| HOME NEWS DIRECTIONS ABOUT CONTACT | |
California Child Custody Laws Parenting Coaching: A way around the courthouse morass What is Parenting Coaching? What would it be like to have a healthy, happy, normal relationship with your ex-spouse or mate? Would you enjoy having positive, nurturing conversations with the ex regarding the children you have together? What if you could make all your own decisions together without having to go to court every time there was a disagreement to get new orders for visitation and custody? The vast majority of parents who are having difficulties in resolving disputes over the raising of their children with the other parent in California courts suffer from a common malady: The malady is characterized by confusion and misapprehension about the way the legal system operates on their family and their choices. Parents are sent to "child custody mediation" in the courthouse before they are allowed to have a judge decide their case. A court-appointed mediator effectively makes decisions after a 60 to 90 minute session that could affect the family for life. Yet, if the parent has a family lawyer, the lawyer is not permitted to participate in the custody mediation process directly. But as an experienced family lawyer, knowledgeable in the process, I can equip my clients with the tools needed to do their best in it. I am the parent coach. A Parenting Coach prepares you to be the best advocate you can for your child and your position in the family. Clearly, a well-prepared parent will do much better in the custody mediation process than one who goes in "blind". Parent coaching is a very thoughtful, sensitive, detailed, condensed and successful program to educate and prepare parents for the child custody mediation and/or custody evaluation process. This parenting coaching process goes well beyond that. We help a parent to re-orient their thinking about their lives, their children and their former partners in a productive way. Parents learn how to become partners instead of combatants in the raising of their children. They learn how to get beyond the adversary system into a cooperative system for raising their young ones; how to get the judge and mediator out of the loop. They learn parenting skills that keep them out of court and last a lifetime. Need to Speak With an Attorney Now? Schedule a Call Online. We address all of the following questions in a way that parents can understand:
Need to Speak With an Attorney Now? Schedule a Call Online. Those are the issues. Here is the program: Building Empathy The primary purpose of parenting coaching is to facilitate good parenting behavior. I define good parenting behavior as “conduct by a parent which fosters positive interactions with their co-parent and their children”. The means by which this coaching achieves the desired result is through empathy counseling. Empathy counseling is another way of teaching parents to listen AND appreciate or understand the points of view of their co-parent and their children. The co-parent may not agree with you on some aspect of the parenting plan for a good reason. The fact the other parent has a good reason for their position does not mean you are wrong. It means that they see things differently from you. If you appreciate the fact they have a different point of view, and make your appreciation known to them, you are showing empathy. The value of empathy is that it frequently gives rise to reciprocal expressions of appreciation and thus leads to a spirit of cooperation in raising children. Expressing empathy is not the same as capitulating. It is actually a forceful way of convincing the other party that you are listening to them and hearing their point of view. It does not require admissions of error on the empathizer’s part. Nor does it require embarrassing displays of incoherent humility. Rather, it requires a person to state with conviction and confidence that: "I understand your position. I respect your position. I disagree with your position. Now, let’s talk." The "let’s talk" part requires the most confidence. There must be a convincing sense that something will come out of the talking. The other party must believe you seriously wish to improve not only your situation, but theirs as well. When two people negotiate over any issue, they are gradually shifting the momentum of their disagreement from moving apart to moving together. If the momentum of the two parties is exactly equal, they will reach a midpoint in their positions. For example, if one parent wants the child every weekend and the other parent wants the same, the mid-point is for the parents to have alternate weekends with the child. The parent showing empathy could say: "Because I enjoy spending weekends with Billie, I understand why you would as well." The other parent may not express empathy in return for the initial entrée. He may say, "If you understand, then why not give them to me?" Alternatively, if the initial expression of empathy is appreciated, he may say: "I can understand your wanting some weekends with Billie as well." There may be an imperceptible threshold of empathy that one party needs to express and the other party needs to perceive before the desired effect is achieved. The quantum of empathy will be different for different people and their differing life experiences and relationships. But if you are not expressing empathetically, you may as well not talk about the children at all. Fighting about the children is about as useful as fighting about the possibilities of another earthquake. One can plan for a devastating natural disaster. Or, one can argue about it. Clearly, the former is a productive activity. The latter is verbal manipulation. Need to Speak With an Attorney Now? Schedule a Call Online. Building Credibility A corollary of building empathy is building credibility. One who has credibility is believed, is listened to and their positions are acted upon with vigor and dispatch. Credibility in court is critical to the survival of one’s legal position. Unless the judge, or the jury in criminal or civil cases, believes you, you lose. It’s that simple. Credibility comes from several independent sources: 1) your position in the case and role in the children’s lives; 2) your behavior in the courtroom; and 3) your behavior in the eyes of witnesses outside the courtroom. A parent who has had no contact with a child for a lengthy period of time, several months or several years, asking for a change of custody will be viewed or judged harshly from the onset. Children are not like objects one leaves at a pawnbroker during hard times and returns to claim when things improve. You must have a reasonable position before you are credible in a court of law. A parent who has been out of touch with his or her children must show empathy for them and recognize there may be a lengthy and well-paced period of re-adjustment before assuming full parenting responsibilities. The parent’s appreciation of this need for gradual accommodations to the children will work favorably in the courtroom, as well as with the other parent who has been shouldering the entire burden of child rearing during the absence of the other parent. Credibility factors in at all levels – with the court, the judge, the mediator, an evaluator, and the other parent. An amazing truism: if one has credibility with the other parent, one does not need courts, judges, evaluators or mediators! You are in the driver’s seat and can steer your life and family as you, in your wisdom, see fit. Gaining the credibility of the other parent, then, is pivotal to your future and that of your children. Credibility and confidence is earned through action, not words. Saying that you will exercise good judgment is of little significance if you do not do so. Saying you will consult intelligently, avidly, and earnestly with the other parent is meaningless if you do not do so. Be assertive, but follow through on what you promise. Listen carefully to what the parent says and let them know you heard them and have evaluated what they said in a positive light. “I know you want the best for Billie and Kristie, and you feel that 9 o’clock is too late for them to return on a school night. You’re probably right. But, I will try to get them back earlier when possible and will spend the time well with them when I can’t.” The idea is to negotiate, not to dictate. Apply the “Golden Rule” to this process and you can’t go wrong. Creating a Responsible Parenting Plan Once a parent develops a necessary empathy for his or her co-parent, and for the children, and has built his or her credibility in the eyes of the other parent, you are in a position to start working creatively, intelligently, and productively to map out the future relationships between you, your children and their other parent. This is a team effort. Depending on the age of the children, they can be involved. It is not recommended the children under the age of 14 years be discussing controversial parenting issues. But, at 14 and above, they can be increasingly involved in expressing their preferences for what they will be doing, where and when they will be doing it. Notice: preferences are not orders. Remember that one of the roles of the parent is to set limits. A 14-year-old’s preference may be to have a girl friend sleep over in the same bedroom. That is not okay. They may wish to be able to hang out around fraternity parties until midnight. That is not okay either. But 14-year-olds are often ready to make important life choices and should be encouraged to do so, provided they are exercising good judgment.> What does a responsible parenting plan consist of? Here are the top ten elements of a parenting plan. 1. Where will the child primarily live? This will be the child’s address for purposes of school. It is where the bulk of the child’s possessions will reside as well. The child may wish to call the other parent’s home their home as well, but that should be left up to them. 2. On a monthly basis, where will the child be sleeping? Is there are regular schedule they will follow so they, and you, will always know where they willl be at night and where they will wake up? 3. Who will be responsible for the child’s welfare during the week? Who will be responsible during weekends? There can be no gaps in this schedule. Someone must be in charge at all times. Children of almost any age (other than tiny babies, who may be unaware of these changes) must know who is in charge during every waking hour and while they are asleep. 4. Who is responsible for transporting the children to and from their primary residence? How will they be transported and what happens in the event of a miscalculation? How late is too late to make a transition from one parent to another? How will unanticipated situations be handled? 5. What new family traditions will be established for dealing with birthdays, vacations and holidays important to the parents and children? 6. What issues will never be discussed with the children? What restraints should the parents agree to with respect to communicating in front of the children? One universal rule followed by good families and all courts: No disparaging remarks are made about a parent in front of the children. Third parties, i.e. other family members and friends, must be encouraged to follow this rule as well. 7. A second universal rule: adult financial issues will not be discussed with the children. This rule does not apply to the discussion of children’s allowances. 8. How will disputes between parents be resolved? Is there a trusted family member who would agree to mediate, i.e. facilitate an agreement of the parents, in a dispute? Will the parents use a “special master”, a hired expert to resolve issues? Can or should the parents go to a lawyer for assistance in drafting modifications to court orders? A good parenting plan will anticipate problems and provide procedures for solving them. 9. How will future changes in circumstances, e.g. moving away, the increasing involvement of children in activities of their own, be handled? The plan should not attempt to address every possibility, only provide a procedural outline of how to cope with any life changing issue that may arise. 10. The family mission statement. This is the philosophical part: what is the spirit of your agreement? Examples of what it may include: a) a desire to nurture the children and make them feel safe; b) a desire for as much stability as possible; c) a desire to see the children achieve their maximum potential, d) a desire that the children be assisted and encouraged to become well adjusted, honest, and happy people, etc. Some people may wish to add to d) ...happy Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist people. Examples of what should not be included: a) a desire that the children eventually live with their father or mother or uncle (this may be unreasonable or unlikely); b) a desire that the children never date a person of some other race (too narrow and constraining a focus); c) a desire that the children eventually become geriatric orthodontists (too specific). This part of the process should be done in a positive, cooperative spirit and terminated if it gets too heated. Need to Speak With an Attorney Now? Schedule a Call Online. Working with A Child Custody Evaluator When you run into a road block in the process of working out the parenting plan, California judges appoint an expert, known as a child custody evaluator, under California Evidence Code Sec. 730. This expert is typically a licensed child psychologist with a specialty in evaluating families in distress. These evaluations last about two months and are costly but effective. But the unprepared parent is at a significant disadvantage to the prepared parent. A Custody Evaluation Parent Coach can make a world of difference in the outcome of an evaluation by insuring that all relevantinformation reaches the evaluator in a well-organized way. When all else fails, all is not lost. You may have to bite the bullet and seek expert assistance in moving forward: the parenting coach. That does not mean that you have failed. It means you have honest but firm disagreements about how your family should work as a team and the desire to get new insights into how to resolve these disputes. There are many reasons that parents come to disagree with one another. Some parents have an irrational and uncontrollable dislike for the other. Other reasons: Reasonable minds may disagree honestly. One party may be stuck in an emotional ditch, flailing away. One or both parents may need reassurance, time, and therapy, to get to a point where they can build empathy, credibility and a plan for the future. Do not lose heart—the hackneyed expression: “It takes a village” is at least partially valid (expressions don’t get hackneyed unless they have some truth to them). We, as parent coach, are there to move you, and if possible, the other parent by your example, in the right direction. A competent, experienced child psychologist, the custody evaluator, who is provided as much credible information and competent witnesses as are available, can analyze a family situation in great depth and over time. Such an analysis, or evaluation, can provide an excellent starting point for rebuilding trust and understanding (i.e. empathy), in addition to helping a family court judge to make the difficult custody decisions. A typical evaluation report, which can be 20 to 30 pages in length, which is discussed at length between the parents and the evaluator. The report is an intensely detailed family psychological portrait, an analysis of the strengths and weaknesses of the parents and their children, and a detailed set of recommendations for the immediate future. Coping with the Future A child custody evaluator’s recommendations, as well as a parenting plan, may include relatively long term elements. But every decision made in any family has a half-life as long as circumstances remain stable. When circumstances change, this will give rise to new challenges to come up with a way of coping with them. If a child shows an aptitude and a burning desire to play the violin, the plan for her to train for World Cup soccer may have to be scrubbed. If a parent is offered a position as CEO of a Fortune 500 corporation, or any other opportunity they do not wish to forgo, their ability to follow the existing parenting plan may be compromised as well. Few problems in life do not have solutions when people of good will work productively together on them. The parenting coach is always there to assist you through these rocky periods of life. The Normalcy of Abnormality It is unfortunately true that it is normal in marital and relationship breakups for parents and their children to be stressed, distressed, sad and not behaving in an exemplary fashion. The situation has become all too normal. The answer is not wallow in anger, frustration, self-pity and hatred. A solution must be found, addressed and adopted, with the help of parent coaching. People with overwhelming disabilities, mental and physical impairments and pain, have gone on to accomplish magnificent things that inspire us all. Think of Christoper Reeves. They do this by refusing to succumb to anger, frustration and self-pity AND by looking forward with creativity and fortitude and great spirit. Good parents, even acting singly, can accomplish amazing feats of parenthood by doing what is right, intelligent, and what their heart tells them to do. Toward Death to the Word "Custody" As an advocate for children and their parents, I propose that we cease using the word “custody” in the context of children. Custody has an implication of guarding, watching, safe-keeping, but it also has an implication of imprisonment, detention and possession of someone’s body, and absolute control. Prison inmates are in custody. Parents often call me as a child custody coach, saying they want, "more custody", or they want “full custody” or they want to regain custody of their children. This possessive quality of the term, and of these requests, suggest the parent’s need to demean or diminish or prevail over the other parent and his or her role in the child’s life and in life generally. "Taking custody" of a child away from a mother, particularly, exposes the mother to the obloquy of her peers and relatives who will view her as a failure, as not sufficiently maternal or feminine. A father who is told the mother has “primary custody” is thus made to feel "secondary" in the life of the child. In the court system, parents are placed in the preposterous position of attempting to prove, to an unknown man or woman in a black robe, that he or she has been the major or primary parent. In 15 minutes, a parent is expected to demonstrate how much more nurturing he or she has been than the other. Parents now speak of wanting 45% custody as if there is some mathematical basis for their argument. Children do not live in percentages. Their lives are not reducible to numbers and equations. Some precocious children now are given to believe that "fairness" requires equal timeshares with their folks. Equal for whom? When has a child ever felt he or she needed "make-up time" with a parent, or an extra weekday night of custody? These are contemporary contraptions of the failed family law system that places an economic value on increased time-sharing of children. The more time a father has with his kids, the lower his monthly deduction on his paycheck for child support. This reinforces and provokes "child custody battles". Could it ever be in a child’s interest to be in the middle of any battle? Let’s play the death knell to the word "custody". I propose it be excised from our national lingo when it is used in connection with kids. A better term for what parents ought to be discussing after a breakup is "parenting plan", which is a reminder of who these adults are in the lives of their kids and implies joint and cooperative behavior between the two central figures in any child’s life. |
|
Child Custody Laws and Parenting Plans |
Site Map | Disclaimer | About Us | Contact